© Philip E. Neves Jan. 28, 2007
Authorized for Anim8or Movie Project
=================================================================
ABSTRACT
This yet-untitled tale tells of a young prince’s quest to rescue the mascot of a medieval cosmetic’s company.
KING ANTHRACITE, ruler and CEO of the Ugly Maiden Cosmetics Company, is advised to arrange a publicity stunt to boost failing sales. He arranges for the DRAGON to kidnap his company’s mascot, the UGLY MAIDEN, who is actually his daughter, PRINCESS PUSTULA, in an ugly mask and fright wig. Then he offers a reward to whoever will rescue her. He has also bribed the media to cover the Ugly Maiden’s kidnap and rescue. The CAMERA GUY does most of the coverage.
The royal family of Glom hears about the reward from an EMISSARY. They send their son, PRINCE CHARLIE, to rescue PRINCESS PUSTULA, to his discontent. SMIDGEON, a midget who calls himself a giant, accompanies him. They are joined also by WOOF, a small talking puppy who insists that he’s a wolf.
On the way, they are chased by a band of DARK RIDERS, robbers whose leader holds a grudge against SMIDGEON. They manage to escape and make it to the DRAGON’S lair.
The DRAGON has been instructed, as part of the publicity stunt, to fight with whoever tries to rescue the UGLY MAIDEN, and then let them win. PRINCE CHARLIE and the DRAGON fight. PRINCE CHARLIE is armed with the handle of a sword which forms a blade when he presses a button. The DRAGON lets him win, and the heroes, PRINCESS PUSTULA, and the CAMERA GUY set off to the Ugly Maiden Cosmetics Castle.
Once there, KING ANTHRACITE tries to renege on his promise of a reward, but he is held to it. The reward is a year’s supply of zit cream, which turns out to be one jar because it has dried solid. PRINCE CHARLIE, however is struck by a flash of inspiration. He uses a little water and his molten sword to create zit steam, which cures his zits. Then follows a confusing and insane scene with crazy robots, which the DRAGON comes and stops so that he can take a nap.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
KING ANTHRACITE: King of the Ugly Maiden Cosmetics. Arranges a publicity stunt, the kidnap and rescue of his mascot, the Ugly Maiden.
CONSULTANT: Suggests the publicity stunt.
DRAGON: Hired to kidnap Princess Pustula for the publicity stunt.
SONDRA SLATE: Female newscaster.
CAMERA GUY: Accompanies either Sondra Slate (the newscaster) or Princess Pustula to tape breaking news events.
PRINCESS PUSTULA: Daughter of King Anthracite. She wears on the Ugly Maiden costume.
MISCELLANEOUS SCREAMING PEOPLE: Need no explanation.
QUEEN MAUDE: Charlie’s mother. Ruler of Glom.
KING CHUCK: Charlie’s father. Ruler of Glom.
PRINCE CHARLIE: The hero of the story who is kicked out of his castle to rescue Princess Pustula.
EMISSARY: Convinces Charlie’s parents to send him on a quest.
SMIDGEON: Charlie’s companion. He is a midget who thinks he is a giant.
WOOF: Also accompanies Charlie. A dog that thinks he’s a wolf.
HORSE: Average transportation of the Middle Ages. Says one line.
DARK RIDER LEADER: Robber. Sings rap. Dislikes Smidgeon.
DARK RIDERS: Also robbers. Also sing rap.
FIRE HYDRANT: Just your average talking fire hydrant. Gives directions. Dislikes dogs.
ROBOTS: Robotic suits of armor. Guard Ugly Maiden Cosmetics Castle. Problems with names.
DR. ZHWIGAROFF: German scientist employed by Ugly Maiden Cosmetics.
BUTLER: Also employed by Ugly Maiden Cosmetics. Very stiff and proper.
LACKEY-IN-BRAINEY: Also employed by Ugly Maiden Cosmetics. Quite thick.
LIST OF SCENES
SCENE 1------------ In which King Anthracite is advised and lightning destroys a lot of trees.
SCENE 2------------ In which The Ugly Maiden is kidnapped and King Anthracite advertises.
SCENE 3------------ In which Royalty are bored and Prince Charlie doesn’t want to rescue the Ugly Maiden.
SCENE 4------------ In which Prince Charlie departs his castle and hears a Nintendo tune.
SCENE 5------------ In which Smidgeon is a giant and the travelers are ambushed by a fierce Woof.
SCENE 6------------ In which Woof rides a horse and the map is found.
SCENE 7------------ In which the Dark Riders rap and Prince Charlie and Woof play with a jet engine.
SCENE 8------------ In which Prince Charlie slays a dragon and smells a rat.
SCENE 9------------ In which Prince Charlie refuses to fall in love and Woof and Smidgeon want to be on TV.
SCENE 10---------- In which Prince Charlie gets lost again and a Fire Hydrant dislikes Woof.
SCENE 11---------- In which the robots are confused and the travelers walk right in.
SCENE 12---------- In which Prince Charlie is cured and everyone is confused.
SCENE 13---------- In which words roll up the screen and robots shoot Will.
SCENE 1
DARK TOWER: Night.
A thunderstorm rages. Two silhouetted figures (KING ANTHRACITE and the CONSULTANT) are speaking inside the tower as the CAMERA smoothly flies through a window.
KING ANTHRACITE:
I've got to do something! My company is almost bankrupt! Our product just isn't selling!
CONSULTANT:
This is the Dark Ages. Hygiene isn't real big right now.
KING ANTHRACITE:
It should be! And what abut our cosmetics line!?
CONSULTANT:
Perhaps you should lower your prices.
KING ANTHRACITE:
WHAT!?
CONSULTANT:
Just a thought.
KING ANTHRACITE:
Then what should I do?
CONSULTANT:
(slowly, sinisterly) Desperate times call for desperate measures.
KING ANTHRACITE:
You mean...
CONSULTANT:
(still sinister) A publicity stunt.
KING ANTHRACITE:
How diabolically, fiendishly clever!
CONSULTANT:
Thank you.
KING ANTHRACITE:
No, thank YOU! What an idea! I'll go bribe the media!
KING ANTHRACITE starts to stand
CONSULTANT:
Ahem?
KING ANTHRACITE:
Oh... yes. Your fee.
KING ANTHRACITE tosses a bag of coins on the desk.
CONSULTANT:
Thank you. Come again, now.
Camera flies back out window as the CONSULTANT cackles hysterically.
-----------------------------
SCENE 2
FETID FOREST. Afternoon.
A nice meadow by the woods. We see KING ANTHRACITE and PRINCESS PUSTULA. sitting on horses. UGLY PRINCESS PUSTULA has her full ugly costume on. TV REPORTERS with perfect hairdos and CAMERA TECHNICIANS loiter around, drinking coffee and soda pop. KING ANTHRACITE has a walkie-talkie. He raises it to his mouth:
KING ANTHRACITE:
Ready?
DRAGON:
(through radio) Ready!
KING ANTHRACITE:
(to PRINCESS PUSTULA) Better put your mask on. (To camera people) Lights! Camera! Action!
Camera people roll eyes and start filming. PRINCESS PUSTULA starts riding. SONDRA SLATE faces the camera her CAMERA GUY is holding and fakes a smile.
SONDRA SLATE:
Hello, I’m Sondra Slate, and it's a lovely day here in Fetid Woods! We're here to get a closer look at the Ugly Maiden, celebrity figurehead of Ugly Maiden Cosmetics!
CAMERA GUY:
Although why we would want to look at her, no one knows.
KING ANTHRACITE raises radio
KING ANTHRACITE:
GO!
DRAGON:
(thru radio) Roger!
DRAGON swoops in and grabs UGLY MAIDEN. MISCELLANEOUS SCREAMING PEOPLE scream and run around.
(view from camera)
SONDRA SLATE:
(trying to look surprised) Oh no! The Ugly Maiden has been kidnapped!
KING ANTHRACITE:
(barging into view of camera) And Ugly Maiden Cosmetics is offering a collossal reward to whoever brings her back! A year's supply of zit cream! That's right! A YEAR'S SUPPLY! And UMC stocks many other things as well! Makeup! Hair gel! All for affordable low rates! Remember, if you don't want to look like the Ugly Maiden, use Ugly Maiden Cosmetics!
---------------------
SCENE 3
GLOM THRONE ROOM: Late Afternoon
KING CHUCK, QUEEN MAUDE, and PRINCE CHARLIE are sitting in their thrones looking bored. QUEEN MAUDE is playing chess with her CAT, who is not playing chess with her, but rather washing himself; KING CHUCK is dozing with a newspaper on his head; and PRINCE CHARLIE is playing a Gameboy, which keeps emitting muffled beeping sounds.
QUEEN MAUDE:
(to CAT) Horace! I've been waiting for you to make a move all morning, and you just sit there and wash your tail!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(not looking up) I don't think the cat knows how to play chess, Mother.
QUEEN MAUDE:
I should say not! Did you see that move he made yesterday! Horrendous!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Uh huh.
CAT:
(looks up) Mew.
QUEEN MAUDE:
(to CAT) Are you sure?
CAT:
Meow!
QUEEN MAUDE:
All right then, but I think you should know that puts your king in check.
CAT sniffs as if to say "That's all you know, human."
KING CHUCK:
(absently) I’m in what?
2 HERALDS walk in at the other side of the room. One blows a trumpet. KING CHUCK sits up.
KING CHUCK:
(with an air of relief) Finally! Something interesting!
HERALD:
Announcing... an emissary from the kingdom of (coughs) Ugly Maiden Cosmetics! Let's give him a big hand, folks!
Royalty politely applaud.
EMMISSARY walks in.
EMMISSARY:
Thank you! Thank you! Ahem. Do own a TV?
KING CHUCK:
(Slouching back in his chair) Oh drat, he's just taking a survey.
EMMISSARY:
Because if you did, you would know the news!
KING CHUCK:
News!?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(bored) Oh boy, news.
QUEEN MAUDE:
Oooh, how exciting!
EMMISSARY tries again
EMMISSARY:
The Ugly Maiden has been kidnapped!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
She had it coming.
EMMISSARY:
Eh? Ahem..Erm... And a reward has been offered!
QUEEN MAUDE:
Reward?
EMMISSARY:
A year's supply of zit cream!
QUEEN MAUDE gasps
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Uh-oh.
QUEEN MAUDE:
Zit cream! Just the thing for you, Charlie dear!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
But Mother, I hate zit cream! It's so cold and slimy!
QUEEN MAUDE:
So is blood pudding, but you eat that!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I owuldn't want to smear it on my face though!
QUEEN MAUDE:
GIrls like boys whose faces don't look like the surface of the moon.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Grrmph.
QUEEN MAUDE:
(smiling) I knew you'd see it my way. (To EMMISSARY) We'll take it!
EMMISSARY:
Ahh... it's a reward, ma'am.
QUEEN MAUDE:
(with the tone of "duhh...") I just said we'll take it!
EMMISSARY:
But you haven't done anything yet!
QUEEN MAUDE:
(shocked) He has to do something for it?
EMMISSARY:
That's the general procedure.
QUEEN MAUDE considers this as KING CHUCK asks
KING CHUCK:
What does he have to do?
EMMISSARY:
(convinced that these people are all stupid)
Rescue the Ugly Maiden, of course!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Rescue the Ugly Maiden? No way! She can stay kidnapped!
EMMISSARY:
But...
PRINCE CHARLIE:
No but's! I refuse to rescue the Ugly Maiden, and that's that!
EMMISSARY:
(whispered to king) What's wrong with him?
KING CHUCK:
He hates the theme song.
QUEEN MAUDE:
Now, Charles...
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(mad) What!
QUEEN MAUDE:
(now mad also) You're going to rescue the poor girl, that's what!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Poor girl, my eye. It's probably just some kind of publicity stunt.
EMMISSARY:
(The truth hurts) I detest that accusation!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Too bad. (Still has Gameboy, starts gesticulating with it) I'm not rescuing her, and you certainly can’t bribe me to with zit cream.
KING CHUCK:
(snatching Gameboy) No more Gameboy until you rescue her!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
What!?
KING CHUCK:
(to EMMISSARY) He's ready and willing!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(shaking fist and looking brave)Anything to get my Gameboy back!
KING CHUCK:
On to glory! On to fame!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Adventure! Chivalry! Boredom! (slumps)
KING CHUCK:
Now where is the Maiden?
EMMISSARY:
It just so happens I have a map. Here.
KING CHUCK:
I'll go and have some servants get the provisions ready! Then we can arrange the details of the journey, Charlie me boy!
exits
QUEEN MAUDE:
Ooh, he hasn't had this much fun in years. (giggles)
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(sullen) If he thinks it's so much fun, he can go.
---------------------
SCENE 4
OUTDOORS:GLOM CASTLE: Early Afternoon.
PRINCE CHARLIE and SMIDGEON are riding over the drawbridge. SMIDGEON is whistling. PRINCE CHARLIE is still sullen.
SMIDGEON:
This is going to be great!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Uh-huh.
SMIDGEON:
I'm glad his majesty selected me to be your companion, Charlie!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Your majesty.
SMIDGEON:
Your majesty! I can't wait to see a dragon or goblin or something exciting!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Uh-huh.
SMIDGEON:
I feel like I could slay a troll with one hand behind my back! How about you?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Your majesty.
SMIDGEON:
Your majesty.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(looking angry)I feel like the sooner that we finish this quest, the sooner I get my Gameboy back; and heaven help any trolls that get in the way.
SMIDGEON:
Ahh... A noble sentiment, sir.
They ride for a while without talking. SMIDGEON starts whistling but PRINCE CHARLIE glares at him and he trails off. It's a beautiful day with birds singing and flowers blooming. PRINCE CHARLIE has been riding hunched over, but as the fresh air and scenic beauty starts to get to him he sits up straighter and takes a deep breath.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Hey. This isn't so bad.
SMIDGEON:
Hmm?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
The sky is blue... the air is fresh.... this might not be so bad after all.
SMIDGEON gives a small noncommittal grunt in case PRINCE CHARLIE is still mad about losing his Gameboy
PRINCE CHARLIE:
It's about time I got away from the ol' Gameboy and got some sun anyway. Hey?
SMIDGEON:
Hey. ...So does that mean I can keep whistling?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Yeah, I guess.
SMIDGEON:
Great! (starts to whistle )
PRINCE CHARLIE lets him whistle a few bars, then
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Yeah, sometimes I think people stay inside and play with their little gadgets too much. We need to get out in the fresh air. Exercise. Relax. Enjoy the sounds of wildlife.
SMIDGEON nods and keeps whistling.
PRINCE CHARLIE
Uh, not that I don't like that song or anything..
SMIDGEON:
Yes?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
You know any Nintendo tunes?
SMIDGEON:
Not really.
PRINCE CHARLIE looks disappointed
SMIDGEON:
But I have some on my iPod!!
Pulls out iPod. Nintendo style music up as screen fades black
---------------------
SCENE 5
DARK FOREST: Night.
The landscape around the Dark Forest is bare. The Dark forest is full of old, gnarled, leafless trees and thorny vines. A full moon only serves to accentuate the creepy atmosphere. SMIDGEON looks around and shivers. PRINCE CHARLIE decides to make conversation.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
So, Smidgeon...
SMIDGEON:
I wish you wouldn't call me that.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(reminding) Your majesty...
SMIDGEON:
Sir. After all, I am a giant!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
You .. a giant?
SMIDGEON:
I'm a vertically challenged giant. You got a problem with that?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Um.. no. So if I shouldn't call you Smidgeon, what should I call you?
SMIDGEON:
(thinks, then starts bouncing in his saddle) Gork, the Great and Powerful! (Almost falls off saddle) Whoops!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Gork...?
SMIDGEON:
After the sound people make when you smack them across the windpipe!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Aha... So if you're so great and powerful, why do you work in the stables?
SMIDGEON:
Oh, I didn't always work in the stables. I was going to be a professional wrestler once!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Oh?
SMIDGEON:
Yeah! But I got kicked out.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Really? Why?
SMIDGEON:
Well, the coach said I was too short. And also I couldn't grunt loud enough.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Grunt?
SMIDGEON:
Yeah, you know! Hrggh!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Ungghh!
SMIDGEON:
GRRGHH!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
UNKGHH!
SMIDGEON:
Yeah! Only louder!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I suppose professional wrestlers do do a lot of that.
SMIDGEON:
Yeah! Only louder!
They are riding through the dark and scary woods now. Shot of a pair of eyes glowing in the darkness.
SMIDGEON:
So what are you going to do?
PRINCE CHARLIE: When? Now? When I grow up?
SMIDGEON:
When he grows up! You're taller than me already!
A dark shape is slinking through the underbrush, following the riders
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I thought you didn't like talking about that.
SMIDGEON:
I was making a little joke, see.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Well, my parents want me to rule the kingdom-
WOOF jumps into the path! He's a small little thing, but the fur on his back is standing straight up, he's determined to be ferocious, and when he barks he bounces of the ground!
WOOF: grrrRRRR....WOOF!
SMIDGEON and PRINCE CHARLIE:
(shocked) Ahh!
WOOF:
(snickers).... WOOF! WOOF! Grrrrrrrr....
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(whispered to SMIDGEON) What is it?
WOOF:
WOOF!
SMIDGEON:
It looks like a small dog!
WOOF:
I am NOT a dog!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
You look like a dog....
WOOF:
I'm a WOLF!
SMIDGEON:
You're a dog.
WOOF:
No, I'm not! I'm a WOLF!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Looks like a dog... sounds like a dog... (sniffs) SMELLS like a dog! (aside) Yick.
WOOF:
(frustrated) I'm a great big WOLF!
SMIDGEON:
Isn't it cute? Such a cutsie-liggle puppy-poo!
WOOF:
(loses it) I'M A FEROCIOUS BLOODTHIRSTY WOLF! WOOF! WOOF!!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Meow.
WOOF:
Eek! Ah, I mean... WOOF! WOOF!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Ignore it. Let's go.
WOOF:
No, wait! I'll- I'll eat you!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Right.
they start riding. WOOF dodges horses and follows
WOOF:
Well, maybe not you, exactly. Maybe I'll just plunder your provisions. Do you have food?
SMIDGEON:
No.
WOOF:
Ha ha, funny! Can I have some?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
No.
silence, WOOF keeps following
WOOF:
Are you on a quest?
SMIDGEON:
No.
WOOF:
Can I come?
PRINCE CHARLIE and SMIDGEON:
NO!
WOOF:
Why, thank you!
PRINCE CHARLIE turns around and points at WOOF, then at ground
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Sit. Stay. Good dog. Good-bye!
PRINCE CHARLIE and SMIDGEON start riding again. WOOF keeps following
WOOF:
I can scout, and I can hunt, and I can fight! You’ll be glad you let me join your quest, I promise!
PRINCE CHARLIE and SMIDGEON:
We didn’t let you join!
WOOF:
That’s a cool horse. Can I ride it?
PRINCE CHARLIE, SMIDGEON, and HORSE:
NO!
SMIDGEON:
(to horse) Did you say something?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(to WOOF ) This is the finest thoroughbred in the kingdom, (horse looks proud) and I am not letting some mangy puppy ride it! (HORSE shakes its head, SMIDGEON looks surprised) Never!!
---------------------
SCENE 6
PLAINS. Day.
WOOF is riding on PRINCE CHARLIE’s horse. Neither HORSE nor PRINCE CHALIE look happy, though WOOF does. SMIDGEON is staring at the horse and muttering.
WOOF:
This is fun! I could do this every day!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Over my dead body.
(horse whinnies emphatically)
WOOF:
So, where are we going again?
SMIDGEON:
Good question. Where are we going? I’m beginning to think you’re lost.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I‘m not lost.
WOOF:
We’re going in circles!
SMIDGEON:
Yeah! Do you REALLY know where we’re going?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Sure! I have a map, don’t I?
WOOF:
(although no one’s listening to him) I like going in circles.
SMIDGEON:
Yes. But I haven’t seen you look at it this entire trip.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I know where we’re going.
WOOF:
It’s just like on a merry-go-round.
SMIDGEON:
I bet you lost it!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I didn’t lose it!
SMIDGEON:
You did, didn’t you!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I did not! I-
WOOF:
And you get really dizzy and barf all over everything! Hee hee!
PRINCE CHARLIE and SMIDGEON:
WHAT!?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Not on my horse, you don’t!
horse agrees
WOOF: OK. So
what were you talking about?
SMIDGEON:
His Majesty lost the map.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I did not!!
WOOF:
This map?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
HEY! Where did you get that!?
WOOF:
In your saddlebag. Why?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Never mind. Give it.
Grabs map.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
OK. So we go this way, then north.... (starts muttering) ...and then we ford the Wasta.
SMIDGEON and WOOF:
The Wasta!?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Yeah. Why?
SMIDGEON:
Oh, nothing, it’s just -
SMIDGEON and WOOF:
...The deepest, fastest, deadliest river in the world!
WOOF:
90 feet deep!
SMIDGEON:
Half a mile wide!
WOOF:
Filled with melting snow from the Munchkin Mountains! Cold as ice... swift as death.
SMIDGEON:
And how do you propose we are going to get across that?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
SMIDGEON and WOOF:
There is no bridge!!
---------------------
SCENE 7
PLAINS. Day.
CAPTION:
Later…
WOOF:
Are we there yet?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
No.
short pause
WOOF:
How about now?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
NO.
short pause
WOOF:
How about...
PRINCE CHARLIE:
We'll get there when WE GET THERE!!
WOOF:
Sheesh. Touchy.
PRINCE CHARLIE.
GRR.
motorcycle engines in the distance
SMIDGEON:
Shh!
motorcycle engines in the distance, a little louder
PRINCE CHARLIE:
What?
SMIDGEON:
Do you hear that?
they listen
W:
No.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
No. What?
SMIDGEON listens, then looks scared.
SMIDGEON:
Let's go! Giddeyup!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
What is it?
SMIDGEON:
Dark Riders! Don't ask questions! GO!
music up as they start riding frantically. Over a nearby hill come the DARK RIDERS, their horses making motorcycle noises as they gallop! Frantic chase sequence. The Wasta is coming up ahead! The heroes are trapped! They pull up their horses. The DARK RIDERS surround them, their horses engines making idling noises. Music down
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Hello, Smidgeon. So nice to see you again.
SMIDGEON is looking scared
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Um... Your horse is making very funny noises!
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Horse?
(PRINCE CHARLIE points)
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Oh, you mean my hog!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Hog?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
You know, motorbike? cycle? scrambler? chopper? hog!
DARK RIDER LEADER’s HORSE:
(snickers) Oink!
(DARK RIDER LEADER frowns and slaps horse. Horse makes appropriate vrooooming noise.)
DARK RIDER LEADER:
But cease this idle chatter! Hand over the dwarf!
SMIDGEON:
Please. I prefer “vertically challenged giant.”
DARK RIDER LEADER:
I said dwarf and I mean dwarf! The midget and I have a score to settle!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Over what?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Tell him, dwarf!
SMIDGEON:
Oh, nothing worth resorting to violence about-
DARK RIDER LEADER:
TELL HIM!
SMIDGEON:
OK! (to PRINCE CHARLIE) It's such a little thing, I can't imagine why he's still so mad, it's just, um... Well, they attacked me on the road and tried to steal my stuff. So I made him go "gork."
PRINCE CHARLIE:
You smacked his windpipe!?
SMIDGEON:
He was trying to rob me!
DARK RIDER LEADER:
A guy's gotta live!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
How would you like it if we robbed you?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
(scoffing) Oh yeah, like you could. Nothing in this world scares the Dark Riders, right men?
DARK RIDERS shout various affirmatives
WOOF has been hiding behind PRINCE CHARLIE.
WOOF:
Is it safe to come out yet?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
What's that?
WOOF pokes his head into view
WOOF:
I'm a ferocious wolf!! WOOF! WOOF!
DARK RIDER LEADER:
A dog! AHHHH! I hate dogs! Run, guys!
Dark Riders head for the hills
WOOF: (shouting after them) No, a WOLF!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Who cares? They ran, didn't they?
WOOF:
(slowly)Hey, they did, didn't they! They ran! I scared them! Cool! I am ferocious! (continues to chatter about how cool he is, how great that was, etc.)
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(to SMIDGEON) You all right?
SMIDGEON: There's this droning in my ear... (nods toward WOOF)
PRINCE CHARLIE: Well, I guess we should be going.
They turn toward River Wasta and stare in amazement. Even WOOF stops talking. Music swells
(hushed, awed)
PRINCE CHARLIE:
That is a big river.
SMIDGEON:
That is a big understatement.
WOOF:
I am a big coward. I want to go home.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Look! There's a sign!
SMIDGEON:
It says... (sounding it out) No...swa.. swimming.
WOOF:
(rolls eyes) Like, duhhhh...
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Hush.
SMIDGEON:
Any ideas?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Umm....
WOOF:
(pointing) There's a raft!
SMIDGEON:
That is a very bad idea.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
It might work...
SMIDGEON:
That is a terrible idea.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
With a jet engine and a rudder...
SMIDGEON:
That is the worst idea I've ever heard and... (pales) jet engine?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
We could cross that thing in 2 seconds flat!
SMIDGEON:
It won't work.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I love it!
SMIDGEON:
I hate it!
WOOF:
No one's asked me what I think.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(sighs) What do you think?
WOOF:
You did say "jet engine," right?
SMIDGEON:
(shuddering) He did.
WOOF:
All right! Let's rock!
(DARK RIDERS have sneaked up behind them)
DARK RIDER LEADER:
It’s rap. Rock is so totally eighties.
(DARK RIDERS start dragging sound equipment from offscreen onscreen)
WOOF:
(startled) Where’d you come from!?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Albequerque.
SMIDGEON:
I thought you were scared of dogs.
DARK RIDER LEADER:
It just dawned on me that that’s not a dog, it’s a wolf.
WOOF:
What did you say?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
I said you’re a wolf.
WOOF:
You did?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Yeah.
WOOF sits dumbfounded. A tear rolls down his cheek.
WOOF:
I’m so happy. Everyone else thinks I’m a dog. They all laugh at me. But you… you like me for what I am. You don’t try to fit me into your mold. (long pause) You’re my best friend!
jumps on DARK RIDER LEADER and starts licking on him.
WOOF:
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you!
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Ahh! Get him off of me!
WOOF jumps off.
WOOF:
Sorry, man! Anything you want!
DARK RIDER LEADER:
I want to start my song. Ready, men? Roll it.
(drums start up in rap beat)
DARK RIDER LEADER:
So, I'm back, and I’m here to rap. Sup?
SMIDGEON:
Why are you talking like that?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
I am now a rap artist, homely.
SMIDGEON:
Rap "artist?" Isn't that a bit of an oxymoron?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Watch who you're calling a moron, midget. Us artists is going to get you over this here water.
drums louder
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Whassup, man?
Wasta?
No problem.
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Oh, you need to cross
you are at a loss
what should you do?
let us tell you.
What you really need
is a boat with speed
what you should get
is a turbo jet.
cus you strap it on
and you light the fuse
oh what fun
how can you refuse?
SMIDGEON:
Easily.
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Motors are for dudes
with no aptitudes
we learn in school
turbojets are cool
Coward dwarfs may say
they don't want to fly
(threatening) they'll go anyway
or we'll make them cry
SMIDGEON:
Are you threatening me!?
(DARK RIDER LEADER looms over him)
DARK RIDER LEADER:
(ominously) Yes.
SMIDGEON:
(nervous) Oh. Ok.
(beat comes back up)
DARK RIDER LEADER:
So we'll build a raft
that goes really fast
But the hardware store
Isn't right next door
Smidgeon and Prince Charlie talk while Dark Rider Leader continues to rap the italicized stanza(s).
SMIDGEON:
A pleasant thought just occurred to me.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
What's that?
SMIDGEON:
How can we get a jet engine out here?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Haven't you seen how easily they change scenes in music videos?
DARK RIDERS:
So away we go...
(scene change to a garage/mechanic type place lighted softly in pink and blue. There is a counter with grease stained parts and papers lying on it. A DARK RIDER slips behind the counter.
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Yo, some stuff for my man.
(PRINCE CHARLIE smiles and steps up to the counter)
DARK RIDER LEADER starts rapping. As he lists items, the DARK RIDER hands them over the counter. PRINCE CHARLIE's smile turns to a look of bewilderment.
DARK RIDER LEADER and DARK RIDERS:
We'll take a dozen wrenches and couple hundred screws,
a couple cans of paint in rather psychadelic hues.
psychadelic hues!
A burner and transformer and a purple batt-er-y.
A welder and a face mask and a large and ugly ski.
SKI!
The components of an engine in a slightly mismatched size
A pizza and some soda and some Ruffles for the guys.
A couple cans of fuel come direct from Liverpool..
..Pool!
Three inspected bucket seats cause SAFETY IS THE RULE!
DARK RIDER:
Will that be all?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
And some sheet metal. Giftwrap it.
DARK RIDER:
Cash or credit?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
My friend here (claps PRINCE CHARLIE on back) will be paying in cash.
PRINCE CHARLIE, looking annoyed but tolerant since he's getting the stuff he needs, pays up. DARK RIDER behind the counter puts the money in his pocket and jumps over the counter, though the camera is focusing on the others. The other DARK RIDERS are giftwrapping the junk that the DARK RIDER had thrown over the counter.
DARK RIDERS: Parts, parts, we got parts!
DARK RIDER LEADER: parts.
DARK RIDERS: Parts, parts, we got parts!
DARK RIDER LEADER: parts.
(SMIDGEON is looking over the stuff.)
SMIDGEON:
We got junk is what we got.
DARK RIDERS:
And away we go!
(scene change back to River Wasta)
(All DARK RIDERS except one are building the engine. As they do their thing, PRINCE CHARLIE and WOOF catch the rap bug and start moving wit da beat, looking ridiculous)
Build, build a raft
build, raft raft
Build, build a raft
build, raft raft
DARK RIDER:
(to DARK RIDER LEADER) Wait, why are helping them?
DARK RIDER LEADER:
You kidding? There ain't nothing like the feeling of watching your enemies crash into rocks.
DARK RIDER: (smiling) Ye-eah.
Camera on SMIDGEON and PRINCE CHARLIE
SMIDGEON:
Why can’t they just do that scene change thing over onto the other side of the river?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Aw, don’t ask stupid questions.
SMIDGEON:
Define “stupid question.”
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Something I can’t answer.
DARK RIDER LEADER walks up.
DRL:
She's all yours.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Thanks. Everybody hop on and buckle up.
WOOF:
Yep!
SMIDGEON:
Oh, like I would forget a little thing like that.
DARK RIDER LEADER:
Be polite, dwarf, or I'll bash your head in.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Ahem... safety check!
SMIDGEON:
(incredulous)Safety?
WOOF:
Aye aye, Cap'n!
(DARK RIDERS snicker and poke each other during the count down)
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Ok. Seatbelts?
WOOF:
Check!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Engine?
WOOF:
Roger!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Brakes or some method of stopping?
WOOF:
Nope!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Airbags?
WOOF:
Uh-uh!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Life vests or emergency flotation equipment?
WOOF:
Nada!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Life boats?
WOOF:
Negative!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Steering?
WOOF:
Well, sort of.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Oh well. Three out of seven isn't bad.
WOOF:
Nope!
SMIDGEON:
(very nervous now) I want to get off now. Does this ride go upside down?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Only if we capsize. And rafts very seldom capsize. Of course, most rafts don’t move at the speed this one will be going, so we’ll see.
SMIDGEON:
Oh, that's comforting.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Begin the countdown!
WOOF:
1... 2...
PRINCE CHARLIE:
DOWN!
WOOF:
Oh. yeah. 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5!
(PRINCE CHARLIE lights a fuse. fire races down it back to the engine as WOOF counts )
WOOF:
4! 3! 2! 1!
(The engine ignites, propelling the raft forward suddenly. Everybody is slammed back in their seats. Music up)
PRINCE CHARLIE, SMIDGEON, and WOOF:
Whoah!
HORSES:
Neeeigh!
DRL:
(grinning) Bon voyage!
DARK RIDER:
"Happy Landings!" "Have a good trip!" "Watch out for sharks!" etc.
DRL:
(gets out binoculars) Oh, this is going to be good. (sinister chuckle)
(Camera cut to raft. a rock looms up ahead)
(dialogue is shouted over engine and water noise. )
SMIDGEON:
AHHHHHHHH--
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Hard starboard!
both WOOF and PRINCE CHARLIE slam the rudder control- in opposite directions. raft runs over the rock. Loud crunching noise.
WOOF:
There goes the steering!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Starboard is RIGHT! RIGHT, YOU STUPID DOG!
WOOF:
I thought left was right!
SMIDGEON: (still screaming) -aahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(they run over a few more rocks. Shore is coming up- fast.)
PRINCE CHARLIE: Brace yourselves! And for Pete's sake, Smidge, take a breath!
(SMIDGEON gasps for air)
(the raft rams up the beach and crashes into a boulder. the engine gradually flickers out)
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Ohhhh. Everybody OK?
WOOF:
Sure. Can we do that again?
SMIDGEON:
(groans) That will teach you not trust an oxymoron.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Oh, shut up. We're over, aren't we?
SMIDGEON:
Yes. Surprising, isn’t it?
---------------------
SCENE 8
WOODS. DRAGON’S LAIR EXT. Day.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(Whispering) The dragon's lair.
SMIDGEON:
(Also whispering) Yep.
WOOF:
(shivering) It l-l-looks s-s-scary.
SMIDGEON:
Y-y-yep.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Psst!
SMIDGEON:
What?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Why are we whispering?
SMIDGEON:
There's a dragon in there, that's why!
cut to old-time illustration on parchment of a dragon breathing fire on a city or something. pan on it as SMIDGEON speaks. Music.
SMIDGEON:
The most fearsome creature of the middle ages. 10 feet tall. Covered in impregnable armor. Armed with giant claws, teeth, spike, and a tail like a battering ram; it's entire body is a weapon. Not to mention the part about it breathing fire. It skewers you, it cooks you, then it swallows you whole. A creature to be avoided like the plague!
fire “whoosh” sound as picture fades into scene with a burn effect.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
The sooner we slay the dragon, the sooner the quest is over. Shall we go?
SMIDGEON and WOOF:
No.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
That was a rhetorical question.
Everybody climbs off the horses. SMIDGEON grabs a bow and a quiver. They slowly enter the cave.
cut to inside of the cave, in a cavern. The princess is singing the Ugly Maiden theme song off key. Camera slowly moves down tunnel into cavern just as she finishes her song. The DRAGON has his hands over his ears. He is ridiculously chubby looking, like a Disney dragon, in sharp contrast to what SMIDGEON is expecting. He has a pile of gold in front of him that he was counting. The CAMERA GUY is playing solitaire
DRAGON:
Why do you have to do that!?
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
Sing?
CAMERA GUY:
I wouldn't call it singing, myself.
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
I'm keeping my spirits up. I don't see why I have to be kept prisoner here. A nice, clean tower would have been so much better.
DRAGON sighs and rolls eyes, as if to say "here we go again."
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
But no, Daddy insisted I have to stay in this smelly hole. "Think of the company, Pustula," he says. "We need to make this look realistic, Pustula." (Makes a pout face and leans her head on her hand.) I wish a hero would come. I'm sick of this dump.
soft chime. DRAGON goes over to wall
D:
I don't enjoy having you smelly humans in here any more than you enjoy being here, sweetheart. (flips a panel, revealing a CCTV screen) Heh. Your fairy godmother must have heard you. Here comes a hero now.
Shot of CCTV screen, heroes are sneaking through a tunnel.)
Voice Over PRINCESS PUSTULA:
Who is it?
V.O. DRAGON:
Ehh... Prince Charlie... of Glom, I think.
CAMERA GUY:
Better put your mask on.
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
I hate that mask. (she puts it on)
camera cuts to heroes sneaking through the tunnel. SMIDGEON has his bow strung and loaded. He accidentally fires at the ground. It splinters.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Be careful with that, will you?
SMIDGEON:
I was being careful! It just slipped, that's all!
they hear PRINCESS PUSTULA yelling
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
Help! Help! Somebody! Anybody! He's going to EAT me! Help!
the heroes start running and yelling.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
We're coming!
SMIDGEON:
To the rescue!
WOOF:
WOOF! WOOF!!
(They run into the main cavern and slow to a stop. camera pulls out. CAMERA GUY is filming everybody from a corner. UM is sitting in a pot over a stack of wood, still yelling. she stops when she sees our heroes. )
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
Heroes!
DRAGON , who has been menacing PRINCESS PUSTULA with his back to the entrance, turns around, growling.
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
Oops.
DRAGON:
Aha! Lunch, supper, AND a breath mint!
WOOF:
I'm a WOLF! Why can't you characters get it through your head!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I don't suppose you'll let her go without a fight?
DRAGON's claws slide out and he starts toward them.
CAMERA GUY:
(stage whisper) Make it look realistic!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Didn't think so.
PRINCE CHARLIE whips out his sword handle and presses the button. The blade forges, glowing white-hot and hissing dramatically.
DRAGON:
What the...
PRINCE CHARLIE: It’s time to fight fire with fire.
DRAGON:
Ha! Fire can't hurt me!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
We'll see.
PRINCE CHARLIE presses another button and the sword bursts into flame. DRAGON breathes a medium stream of fire at PRINCE CHARLIE but he rolls out of the way into a kneeling position with the sword pointed at DRAGON. He pushes a button and it fires a very hot jet of fire at the DRAGON. The fire just bounces off the DRAGON.
DRAGON:
Ha!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I’m having a very bad feeling about the way this fight is going.
DRAGON fires at him. PRINCE CHARLIE is standing near a wall, the DRAGON is standing a ways away from him and an equal distance to the side. When the dragon fires at PRINCE CHARLIE it bounces off of the wall at a forty five degree angle. PRINCE CHARLIE manages to dodge between the two jets of fire before he gets roasted.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Whoah!
PRINCE CHARLIE starts running towards the dragon as it takes a deep breath. It fires two thin jets of fire at him, which he dodges. PRINCE CHARLIE is now very close. He stops, points his sword at the DRAGON, and shouts
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Surrender!
The dragon has had his cheeks puffed up full of fire. He lets it go straight at PRINCE CHARLIE. PRINCE CHARLIE dodges.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Don't make me hurt you!
DRAGON:
All right. How about if I hurt you!?
The dragon swipes at PRINCE CHARLIE and actually hits him, sending him flying across the room.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Ouch!
DRAGON:
Now! Fight like a man or die like a dog!
WOOF runs up angrily to dragon.
DRAGON:
Yes?
WOOF:
Specieist!
WOOF tries to bite DRAGON's leg. This only hurts WOOF. DRAGON just looks at him.
WOOF:
Oh! My teeth! My teeth!
DRAGON:
Are you quite finished? Good.
DRAGON kicks WOOF away and looks around for Charlie, who has quietly slipped out of sight.
DRAGON:
Where'd he go?
DRAGON slowly rotates looking for him. There are a lot of crates for Charlie to hide behind. The dragon starts slowly moving for a better vantage point. The camera reveals PRINCE CHARLIE sneaking up behind him and getting ready to chop at him, when…
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
GO, CHARLIE!
DRAGON swings around and narrows his eyes. PRINCE CHARLIE turns to PRINCESS PUSTULA in exasperation.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Oh, thanks a lot!
The dragon wiggles his behind, twirls his tail, and then swings it very fast at PRINCE CHARLIE.
PRINCESS PUSTULA: Look out!
PRINCE CHARLIE back-twist flips over DRAGON’S arm and lands on his feet, sword pointed at the dragon.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Missed me!
He fires two shots at D, which bounce off. DRAGON takes a deep breath and breathes a cloud of fire straight at PRINCE CHARLIE. A moment of suspense while the fire rolls over him, then D stops. PRINCE CHARLIE is kneeling with his sword forged into a shield. He stands up and reforges it to a sword shape. Everybody has been holding their breath and they let it out.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Missed me again. Nice try though.
DRAGON fires a series of jets of flame which PRINCE CHARLIE dodges very well. SMIDGEON has been standing near PRINCESS PUSTULA gawking at PRINCE CHARLIE's fighting.
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
Help him, you clog!
SMIDGEON:
Help? Oh, um...
He loads his bow and fires at DRAGON. It misses by a mile.
SMIDGEON:
Shoot!
He tries again and also misses.
SMIDGEON:
Blast!
His third shot nearly pins PRINCE CHARLIE. PRINCE CHARLIE looks at it quivering in a torch on the wall next to him.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Smidgeon! You could have killed me!
SMIDGEON:
Sorry! Just trying to help!
the fighting continues. SMIDGEON carefully aims his bow and lets it loose. But a stray bounced beam of fire is coming toward him, he automatically rolls as he fires, causing it to go wild.
SMIDGEON: Oh dear.
Bullet time shot as the arrow speeds toward Charlie, he turns, sees it, and dodges it and a firestream at the same time.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Smidgeon! Stop helping!
SMIDGEON:
(shaken) Yeah. Ok.
Fighting continues. PRINCE CHARLIE runs along a wall with DRAGON scorching it right behind him, catapults off a crate, jumps off a treasure chest and lands behind DRAGON. As DRAGON turns...
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Release the Ugly Maiden!
SMIDGEON:
How did he DO that?
PRINCE CHARLIE sets fire to and whips around his sword, sending a crescent of fire at the dragon, which of course, dissipates. DRAGON looks at his chest.
D: Haven‘t we already established that fire doesn‘t hurt me?
He looks up as PRINCE CHARLIE throws a small keg of gunpowder at him. He automatically catches it in his mouth , and sucks in air to breathe fire. Suddenly he realizes what's in his mouth. An expression of panic crosses his face. He opens up and grabs it. And looks at it.
DRAGON:
VERY clever. What a devious mind you have.
Tosses away the keg and fires at it, exploding it.
DRAGON:
Where were we? Oh yes, devious minds...
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Deviate this, dragon!
Swings at DRAGON. DRAGON grabs sword and tosses it.
CAMERA GUY:
You're supposed to be losing!
DRAGON ignores him.
DRAGON:
Oops, you dropped your sword. Now comes the part where I- Wha?
PRINCE CHARLIE has grabbed a sword handle from his boot and ignited it.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Quote Always keep a Automatically Self Forging Weapon in your boot Unquote. Speaker: R. Steven Glanville. Right before he was eaten by a vicious bloodthirsty Robin.
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
Go Charlie!
DRAGON:
Who said that??
PRINCE CHARLIE slashes at DRAGON, who jumps back. He does it again. And again. DRAGON swipes at PRINCE CHARLIE but PRINCE CHARLIE just ducks.
CAMERA GUY:
This would be a good time to wrap it up, Mr. Dragon.
DRAGON nods and moves forward. PRINCE CHARLIE is slashing madly.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Stay back!
DRAGON slightly leans forward and lets the sword point just nick him, then falls backward.
DRAGON:
ARReeaaghrrrrarghh!
PRINCE CHARLIE stops swinging.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Huh?
DRAGON:
(gasping)You have vanquished me, accursed knight!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I hardly touched you!
DRAGON:
Nay, 'tis me death wound!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(Dropping to knees beside DRAGON) No, it's just a little scratch! (pulls out a band-aid, has trouble opening it)
DRAGON:
(mad) I KNOW A DEATH WOUND WHEN I HAVE ONE!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(still struggling with band-aid wrapper) No, really, you'll be OK!
DRAGON:
TAKE THE MAIDEN AND LEAVE, YOU CRAVEN DOGS!
WOOF:
Hey! I don't even LOOK like a raven!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(finally managing to get the band-aid open, putting it on DRAGON) All right, all ready; you cranky lizard!
DRAGON:
(starting to get up) GRRR!
CAMERA GUY:
No! Down!
D:
ARReeaaghrrrrarghh!! (closes his eyes and sags back.)
CAMERA GUY:
Annnd... CUT! It's a wrap, folks!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(to DRAGON) Did I.... kill you?
SMIDGEON:
(in background, noticing CAMERA GUY for the first time) Hey! Who are you!?
DRAGON:
(opens one eye) No, dimwit. Get off of me.
(PRINCE CHARLIE does and dragon gets up. PRINCESS PUSTULA has taken off the mask and is trying to climb out of the pot, having trouble.)
CAMERA GUY:
(to SMIDGEON) I'm the camera guy!
SMIDGEON:
The WHAT!?
WOOF:
Oooh, is that a real camera?
CAMERA GUY:
(to SMIDGEON) I’m the camera guy!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Camera guy? This IS a setup! This is a publicity stunt! Didn’t I say it was a publicity stunt?
WOOF:
Can I see your camera?
CAMERA GUY:
Sure it is... so?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
We trailed 50 MILES for some twisted publicity gimmick!?
SMIDGEON:
Evading the Nine Riders and crossing the Wasta!?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Just to-
WOOF:
Play with a real camera?
(Everybody looks at him)
WOOF:
What?
CAMERA GUY:
Yick. A dog.
WOOF:
No, a WOLF! WOLF!
DRAGON:
A noisy, barking dog.
SMIDGEON:
He's not barking, he's reminding everyone he's a wolf...
WOOF:
Yeah!
(PRINCESS PUSTULA has given up trying to climb out of the pot in a dress)
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
Little help, anybody?
PRINCE CHARLIE goes over to help while continuing the conversation, still glaring over towards the CAMERA GUY
CAMERA GUY:
(incredulously) That's a WOLF?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
That's what he says.
(PRINCE CHARLIE tries to help PRINCESS PUSTULA out of the pot. Somehow he knocks it over, spilling PRINCESS PUSTULA out)
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
Ouch!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Oops.. Hey! You're not ugly!
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
(pouts) Of course not! It's just the mask that's ugly!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
MASK!?
DRAGON has been moving around in the background making a bed out of some blankets
DRAGON:
Could you all take this discussion OUTSIDE!? (everyone looks at him) It's time for my nap.
---------------------
SCENE 9
WOODS. DRAGON’S LAIR EXT. Day.
(PRINCE CHARLIE, SMIDGEON, WOOF, PRINCESS PUSTULA, and CAMERA GUY have taken the discussion outside)
PRINCE CHARLIE:
You're WHAT!?
CAMERA GUY:
I'm going with you.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
WHY!?
CAMERA GUY:
I need to film your budding romance.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(pause) ...WHAT ROMANCE!?
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
Yours and mine, sweetie!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(aghast) Oh, no.
CAMERA GUY:
Oh yes. You rescued her, didn't you?
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
And I fell into your arms, didn't I?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
No, you fell onto the floor. (to CAMERA GUY) So I rescued her. So what?
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
The prince and princess ALWAYS fall in love!
CAMERA GUY:
Besides, it'll up our ratings.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
The first witch I find is turning you two into frogs.
SMIDGEON:
You tell him, sir!
WOOF:
Yeah! We don't want to be on TV any more than the next wolf!
SMIDGEON:
We don't?
WOOF:
All right, we do!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(To WOOF)Fine. You romance her.
CAMERA GUY:
So I thought first we could do a kissing scene...
(PRINCESS PUSTULA leaps into PRINCE CHARLIE's arms. He staggers backward.)
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Not me! The dog! Kiss the dog!
WOOF:
Wolf!
CAMERA GUY:
Cut! Let's try that again.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
No way!
SMIDGEON:
But sir...!
CAMERA GUY:
But...!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
No buts! (crosses arms) I refuse to fall in love!
DRAGON:
(sticks his head out of cave entrance, wearing a baby blue nightcap, looking frustratred) Go away! I'm trying to sleep!
---------------------
SCENE 10
FETID FOREST. Day.
(riding through the forest. PRINCESS PUSTULA is firting, trying to get PRINCE CHARLIE to notice her. WOOF is looking at the CAMERA GUY's camera adoringly. SMIDGEON is trying to stay out of PRINCE CHARLIE's and CAMERA GUY's way. PRINCE CHARLIE and CAMERA GUY are mad at each other and the world.)
WOOF:
Is that camera digital? Can I see it, huh? Huh?
CAMERA GUY:
No.
WOOF:
When you say "no," you really mean, "yes," right?
CAMERA GUY:
NO!
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
(to PRINCE CHARLIE ) Are we there yet, handsome?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
We'll get there WHEN WE GET THERE AND DON'T CALL ME HANDSOME!
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
(pouts)Well, you are.
SMIDGEON:
I bet we're lost.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
We're NOT lost!
WOOF:
I like going in circles.
CAMERA GUY:
Of course we're not lost! You have that map, don't you?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Yeah! (to SMIDGEON) See?
PRINCESS PUSTULA:
I recognize that fire hydrant. We’ve been past it before
WOOF:
It's just like on a merry-go-round, where-- fire hydrant?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
We're NOT LOST!
WOOF:
Excuse me. (jumps off horse)
CAMERA GUY:
You know, I think she's right.